


The Ruby of the Sea (Is the Best Lay Ever!)

by bboiseux



Series: CR2 Short Stuff [9]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Bawdy Song, C2E009, Gen, Like pretty foul, Long Live Feedback Comment Project, Sex Work, Sex Worker, The Ruby of the Sea (mentioned), toxic attitudes towards women
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-14
Updated: 2018-03-14
Packaged: 2019-03-31 03:48:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13966695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bboiseux/pseuds/bboiseux
Summary: Early in her travels, Jester stopped in a tavern late at night to get some sketching done.The one where Jester hears a bawdy ballad about her mother.  It is really catchy, you know!





	The Ruby of the Sea (Is the Best Lay Ever!)

**Author's Note:**

> **In-World Background:** There are several songs about the Ruby of the Sea. The one Beau heard growing up was some classy metaphorical shit written by a composer who had one night with the Ruby and could never stop thinking about her (he eventually died in a gutter, but the composition was very popular). However, the most widely heard is the one in this story. The verses vary and can get even dirtier. Each area of the coast has their own variation. Of course, Jester only heard any song about her mother when she started traveling. So of course it was the bawdy one that got played at a bar.
> 
> **Author's Note:** This is the foulest thing I have ever written. As a warning, content includes: blow jobs, cumshots, anal sex, oral sex, vaginal sex, creampies, foursomes, fisting, probably other things. There are three deleted verses that are even worse.
> 
> And, good lord, formatting this was a pain.
> 
> Oh, and I've never written verse before, so . . . (note: I was not aiming for rhyme). This was an attempt to mash up something like bawdy drinking songs and Sondheim's "I Never Do Anything Twice."

The tavern buzzed with activity and smelled of work.  Specifically, it sounded like shouting and stank of sweat.  A band was playing in the corner.  Candlelight left guttering shadows across the room. All around Jester fisherman, sailors, and dock workers were drinking heavily and had been drinking heavily for several hours.  The man next to her was swaying delicately and occasionally splashed some beer in Jester’s general direction, while the man on her other side seemed to have collapsed after an hour of crying.  Jester was nestled down, mug to the side, notebook in front, and working away at a particularly detailed sketch of a fisherman being caught in a net by a giant fish.  She was really enjoying her first time in Port Damali.

She was concentrating on making the fish look especially wicked—a knife clenched in its mouth—when there was a shrill whistle and a shout from the far corner of the tavern.  Jester spun around to see a man with tussled brown hair standing on a table, a guitar slung over his shoulder.

“Gentlemen and, well,” He peered around into the darkness of the room, “I’m going to say ladies, but I think it’s only ladies of the night.  Am I right?”

The room exploded with laughter.  From a dark corner came a woman’s shout of “Shove it up your ass, Donnie!”

Donnie bowed low and winked in the voice’s direction.  “I’ll take that as a yes.”  Then he turned back to the rest of the room.  “We have got a treat for all of you tonight.  An august personage—that means a very important person—has graced us with her presence tonight.”  The hum of the room was starting to rise again and Donnie raised his hands.  “I’d ask for silence everyone, as I introduce . . .”  He gestured to a curtained door to the side, “. . . The Ruby of the Sea!”

A bare leg slid out through the curtain and was followed a moment later by a woman, skirt pulled up in her hands.  “Hello, boys.”  She dashed a smile across the room showing three holes where some teeth should be.  Her hair was a red crumbled piece of paper, piled on top of her head and her dress was a worn and battered green.  She walked over to Donnie who, with an exaggerated flourish, extended a hand to help her up on the table.

Jester nudged the man to her left, “That is not the Ruby of the Sea.”

The man wobbled as he peered through the drunken missed.  Finally, after a long stare, he answered.  “Hey, you’re right!  That’s Claire she’s the dirtiest whore this side of . . . this side of . . . .”  His voice drifted off.

Donnie strummed a chord on his guitar.  “Ruby’s going to help me sing a little song for you all today.”  He looked over his shoulder at the rest of the band and counted off.  With a final count, they started up a restrained beat—Donnie strumming lightly on his guitar and the bass keeping time.  Donnie raised his voice in a mellow tenor:

_You all have heard tell of the Ruby of the Sea_  
_The whore so high-class she doesn’t even piss_  
_A cunt so elegant_  
_It’s only good to screw_

“Well, boys, I’m here to tell you,”

_The stories are true!_

Next to him, Claire was pounding her feet as she lifted her skirts high, revealing a complete absence of undergarments.  The table shuddered under each step.

_I’ve seen them carried out_  
_Unconscious from the joy_  
_Just the merest lick_  
_Knocks them out._

Donnie stopped until the band fell silent, then with a smack on his guitar the song started in with a savage pace.

_So many can’t endure  
Poor Ruby longs for more_

_The Ruby of the Sea is the  
Best lay ever!_

_Yes!_

_The Ruby of the Sea is the  
Best lay ever!_

_Her cunt is so damn tasty_  
_Men end up a little hasty_  
_Cause . . ._

_The Ruby of the Sea is the  
Best lay ever!_

As the band vamped, Donnie climbed jumped off the table and into the crowd.  Claire leaned into the beat, dancing with great sways of her hips as Donnie went on.

_Dear Ruby was gifted with a mouth most divine_  
_A voice like an angel sent down from on high_  
_She’d practice for hours_  
_On all she could find_  
_In every position_  
_From front and behind._

_Her favored position_  
_For which she’s well-known_  
_Down on her knees_  
_With a great blow_

Claire gestured at a man at the next table.  “What do you say?  Fancy a little help with your willy?”

Donnie sidled up to the man.  “Better take her offer while you can.”  He slapped down on the guitar again.

_Just a flick of her tongue_  
_Is enough to make you come._  
Cause . . .

_The Ruby of the Sea is the  
Best lay ever!_

“Everybody!” The bar roared in the chorus, mugs held high.

_The Ruby of the Sea is the  
Best lay ever!_

_With a tongue that does the work  
Wherever it is put._

_The Ruby of the Sea is the  
Best lay ever!_

The crowd was standing now and Jester clambered up on the bar to look over their heads, dancing to the beat.  Claire dumped her skirt over the head of a man who had gotten too close.

Then the music dropped out again and Donnie raised his hands, his face a mocking frown.  “Oh, but a sad thing happened to poor Ruby just the other day.

_Dear Ruby was once caught in a freezing downpour_  
_But she was saved by a carriage arrival_  
_Inside, a grand lady,_  
_Told a story of woe._  
_Her pussy craved size, but_  
_Too small was her beau._

“Do you think Ruby let that poor lady suffer?"

Shouts of “No!” went up quickly from the crowd, mixed with raucous laughter.

“What do you say, Ruby?”

Claire put a finger to her lips, brow furrowed in thought.  “Well,”

_“My fingers are freezing,”_  
[Donnie: “Said Ruby,”] _“So I will_  
_Warm them up inside_  
_A new muff.”_

Claire held out her hand, fingers and thumbs pinched and mimed pushing up.  Her face screwed up with strain, as the bass player started picking out a deep rhythm, until the hand popped up and she squeezed it into a fist with an orgasmic sigh.

Donnie started up again:

_Ruby's fist firmly clenched  
She left that whole carriage drenched!_

_The Ruby of the Sea is the  
Best lay ever!_

_Yes!_

_The Ruby of the Sea is the  
Best lay ever!_

_With a taste for pussy juice  
Lock your ladies all away._

Someone in the back yelled “Or bring them along!” and Donnie pointed in their direction with a wide grin.

_The Ruby of the Sea is the  
Best lay ever!_

Donnie dropped back into the relaxed beat of the verse.

_Ruby managed her clients with care and with grace,_  
_Every upstanding member receiving their due._  
_But one evening our girl_  
_Found the fit a bit tight_  
_When a father and son_  
_Both wanted the night._

Donnie looked to Claire, swishing her skirts on the table. “What are you going to do, Ruby?”

Claire grinned a toothy and toothless smile and sang:

_The boy came in the rear_  
_And left out the back_  
_While his father . . ._  
_Came in the front!_

“So,” sang Donnie, “With”

_Come leaking out her bum_  
_She still fucked the old man numb._  
_Cause . . ._

_The Ruby of the Sea is the  
Best lay ever!_

_Yes!_

_The Ruby of the Sea is the  
Best lay ever!_

_With an ass that's good for pushing,_  
_Stretch her out and fill her up_  
_Cause . . ._

_The Ruby of the Sea is the  
Best lay ever!_

“Oh, but listen, my friends.”

_Dear Ruby is a master of diplomacy_  
_Her logic sways masses in seconds_  
_Once she heard raised voices,_  
_Violent shout and cursed_  
_Arguing over who_  
_would see dear Ruby first._

_She stepped out to the hall_  
_And said “Gentlemen, please_  
_There are holes enough_  
_For all three.”_

_Filled up from every side_  
_Ruby’s still not satisfied._  
_Cause . . ._

_The Ruby of the Sea is the  
Best lay ever!_

_Yes!_

_The Ruby of the Sea is the  
Best lay ever!_

_Packed with come in every hole  
She cried, "Please give me more!"_

_The Ruby of the Sea is the  
Best lay ever!_

“Come on, men. Give Ruby a little more!”

_The Ruby of the Sea is the  
Best lay ever!_

_Yes!_

_The Ruby of the Sea is the  
Best lay ever!_

_Dripping head to toe with spunk  
She cried, "I've finally come!"_

_The Ruby of the Sea is the  
Best lay ever!_

Donnie strummed out one lingering chord.

_Oooooooh, the Ruby of the Sea is the  
Best Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay ever!_

The crowd cheered as Claire pulled open her bodice, flashing the room.

Donnie climbed up next to her.  “And I think that Ruby here is offering a special deal tonight for all you willing patrons.  Isn’t that right, dear?”

“That’s right, boys.  Only a copper piece to go up the bum!  You know where to find me.  I expect a line around the corner!”  And she leaped off the table, her breasts spilling everywhere and disappeared through the curtain.  Eight or nine men started drifting after her.

Jester clapped her hands in delight and sat down on the bar.  She nudged the drunk, who almost collapsed.  “I cannot believe there is a song about my mom!”  She shook her head wistfully.  “She is so great.”

**Author's Note:**

> I am also [bboiseux on tumblr](https://bboiseux.tumblr.com/).
> 
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